We will call these "Mike's Laws," and I will dole them out as I remember them or see fit. Here's a couple so y'all can see what you're in for.
1. Never volunteer for ANYTHING. It's surprising how often this one gets broken. Anyone with who has done some military service can tell y'all the 'why' of this rule.
2. Don't put your dick in a crazy bitch. This law has a corollary for women regarding crazy men: don't let a crazy bastard put his dick in you. It's the same for both sexes: it look's like a fun ride, but so does riding that couch with no legs that's been tied to the back of your drunk cousin's pickup truck. The only difference is that 'crazy' is a slightly longer ride, and will end even more painfully.
3. Never wipe your ass with a razor-leafed plant. Or one that is poisonous, pointy, or anything else that is otherwise harmful to humans and their asses. This happens more than you might think, particularly at night, in places where things like pampas grass grows. Or poison ivy. So, if you know you're going to have to poop in the woods, try t learn just a little about the local flora. (This one dates back to well before my time in the Marines and is one of the few I was able to learn by someone else's 'experience'.)
4. Be wary of dating women who are good with horses. They know how to get animals much larger (and usually stupider) than they are to do whatever they want.
I reckon that's enough for now.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Those who can't, steal.
My latest rant is about Tribal Knife and Tactical. They have just started selling a 'new' line of custom neck knives. You can see them at http://www.tribalknifeusa.com/-strse-Custom-Neck-Knives/Categories.bok --and please feel free to contact them (at Sales@TribalKnifeUSA.com or by calling them at 877-504-2452) to ask them why their 'custom' neck knives look exactly like the Folts 'Minimalist' (you can see one at http://www.crkt.com/Folts-Minimalist-Neck-Knife-Razor-Sharp-Edge --or just Google 'Folts Minimalist' and see how many pages of legit adds come up) that he licensed to Columbia river Knife and Tool (CKRT for everyone but the knife geeks). I have contacted them (Tribal), but they seem reluctant to respond.
I have known Alan Folts a long time. The man is family to me. So, to see someone stealing from him pisses me off. If you know me on Facebook, you might have seen some of the posts about this. They are trying to make it look like they have his custom design, rather than some cheap-ass production model knife--and they aren't even crediting him for the design. CKRT is selling Alan's knife for about $35-$40. You can find the Columbia River model even cheaper on Ebay, for around $20 or so, not including shipping. Alan sells the ones he personally makes starting somewhere north of $100. He has earned it; the world's largest knife maker has grabbed up several of his designs. Hopefully Columbia river will do something about it, the word is that they are investigating now.
I kind of hope they don't get done before the Blade Show (http://www.bladeshow.com/ehome/31379/49746/ --and I actually did contact them about this, so who knows, they might do something, but I haven't heard anything back yet). It's the world's largest knife show, held in Atlanta, GA, in early June every year. I want to see these rip-offs on their table. Because I will be the loudest one in the crowd yelling at them to get 'em off the table and get their asses out the door.
And, just in case these guys are real jackasses about it (fingers crossed, hoping with all my black little heart)...anyone got my back if I need bail money?
I have known Alan Folts a long time. The man is family to me. So, to see someone stealing from him pisses me off. If you know me on Facebook, you might have seen some of the posts about this. They are trying to make it look like they have his custom design, rather than some cheap-ass production model knife--and they aren't even crediting him for the design. CKRT is selling Alan's knife for about $35-$40. You can find the Columbia River model even cheaper on Ebay, for around $20 or so, not including shipping. Alan sells the ones he personally makes starting somewhere north of $100. He has earned it; the world's largest knife maker has grabbed up several of his designs. Hopefully Columbia river will do something about it, the word is that they are investigating now.
I kind of hope they don't get done before the Blade Show (http://www.bladeshow.com/ehome/31379/49746/ --and I actually did contact them about this, so who knows, they might do something, but I haven't heard anything back yet). It's the world's largest knife show, held in Atlanta, GA, in early June every year. I want to see these rip-offs on their table. Because I will be the loudest one in the crowd yelling at them to get 'em off the table and get their asses out the door.
And, just in case these guys are real jackasses about it (fingers crossed, hoping with all my black little heart)...anyone got my back if I need bail money?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The new hate.
I would have made a post over a week ago, but I have found a new level of stupidity and incompetence in the world to hate and that held me up. The new hate is Sudddenlink Communications, who you can find at http://www.suddenlink.com/.
They recently announced restrictions on the amount of Internet their customers can use. My hookup is 50mbps speed (every geek reading this just had to go change their pants) which falls into their 'over 20mbps' category, allowing for 350gb a month. That's upload and download. We watch Hulu and Netflix. My brother and I are beta-testing "The Secret World" and "Diablo III" just dropped. We have a roomate who is a World of Warcraft junky. So I guess we might be hogging some bandwidth. Of course, 350gb is only 20 or so movies, if I watch them in streaming high-def. How many movies do you watch a month? Or TV programs? Because that's only about 13 hours of Hulu.
When I originally got the plan it was because you can watch pretty much anything you could want between Netflix and Hulu, or on any of the major network's sites. So all I wanted was internet, and therefore I bought their biggest plan. Suddenlink promised me unlimited usage. That didn't even last a year.
Anyway, what this brain trust did to 'punish' us was partially cut our internet. Specifically, they blocked some sites...YouTube, Google, and Facebook (and some other ones but these are the big ones). They left some other things alone...like Yahoo and MySpace. It took a two hour long phone call with their incredibly incompetent staff to find out that once they set this system in place, they had no idea how to turn it off. It didn't have an 'off' button.
Oh, and that we weren't the only people that they had done this to.
The best part? They had to start prorating our bill to account for their screw-up. Even better, they charge you $10.00 for every 50gb you go over, but not until the third infraction. So, in an effort to bully me out of zero dollars, these utter morons cost themselves about $17.00. I wonder how many other customers of theirs they had to prorate. It would be interesting to know just how much money this cost them.
Now, I would have been fine had they just shot me a warning, or charged me ten bucks, and gone on their merry way. But no, they had to screw with me, so I am screwing back. It starts here. It also includes emails (already sent those) and probably snail mails (ain't sent those yet) to Google and Facebook. After all, they have billions of dollars and armies of lawyers. I'm just one guy with a blog and an attitude problem. I am also asking every person who reads this to call Suddenlink and complain about this policy, and the horrible static-filled crap they call music they make you listen to while on hold. Please do this even if you aren't a customer, and direct them to this blog if you want. (Really, please direct them here!) There's a link on their website for phone numbers and another to contact them by email.
And if you happen to one of those Suddenlink jerk-offs that were screwing with me and you are reading this now (and hopefully getting your ass sued off by Google and Facebook), then here's a big "fuck you."
Because that would mean I just won.
They recently announced restrictions on the amount of Internet their customers can use. My hookup is 50mbps speed (every geek reading this just had to go change their pants) which falls into their 'over 20mbps' category, allowing for 350gb a month. That's upload and download. We watch Hulu and Netflix. My brother and I are beta-testing "The Secret World" and "Diablo III" just dropped. We have a roomate who is a World of Warcraft junky. So I guess we might be hogging some bandwidth. Of course, 350gb is only 20 or so movies, if I watch them in streaming high-def. How many movies do you watch a month? Or TV programs? Because that's only about 13 hours of Hulu.
When I originally got the plan it was because you can watch pretty much anything you could want between Netflix and Hulu, or on any of the major network's sites. So all I wanted was internet, and therefore I bought their biggest plan. Suddenlink promised me unlimited usage. That didn't even last a year.
Anyway, what this brain trust did to 'punish' us was partially cut our internet. Specifically, they blocked some sites...YouTube, Google, and Facebook (and some other ones but these are the big ones). They left some other things alone...like Yahoo and MySpace. It took a two hour long phone call with their incredibly incompetent staff to find out that once they set this system in place, they had no idea how to turn it off. It didn't have an 'off' button.
Oh, and that we weren't the only people that they had done this to.
The best part? They had to start prorating our bill to account for their screw-up. Even better, they charge you $10.00 for every 50gb you go over, but not until the third infraction. So, in an effort to bully me out of zero dollars, these utter morons cost themselves about $17.00. I wonder how many other customers of theirs they had to prorate. It would be interesting to know just how much money this cost them.
Now, I would have been fine had they just shot me a warning, or charged me ten bucks, and gone on their merry way. But no, they had to screw with me, so I am screwing back. It starts here. It also includes emails (already sent those) and probably snail mails (ain't sent those yet) to Google and Facebook. After all, they have billions of dollars and armies of lawyers. I'm just one guy with a blog and an attitude problem. I am also asking every person who reads this to call Suddenlink and complain about this policy, and the horrible static-filled crap they call music they make you listen to while on hold. Please do this even if you aren't a customer, and direct them to this blog if you want. (Really, please direct them here!) There's a link on their website for phone numbers and another to contact them by email.
And if you happen to one of those Suddenlink jerk-offs that were screwing with me and you are reading this now (and hopefully getting your ass sued off by Google and Facebook), then here's a big "fuck you."
Because that would mean I just won.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Next time, I'm going to Redbox.
I just got back from seeing the latest Marvel movie, "The Avengers." Stay after the movie ends because there are two Easter eggs. I liked the movie alot, but I'm pissed off. We (my girl, her son, my brother, and two friends) got to the midnight showing at 23:15 (11:15PM) to make sure we could get seats where we wanted, and all together. At 23:29 the commercials started. They ended at 00:25 (twenty-five minutes after midnight). At $16.00 a ticket, times six tickets, is 96 bucks--to watch 56 minutes of advertising before getting what we paid to see. About four minutes of that was previews for new movies, the new Batman and Spider-Man being the most notable, so let's call it 52 minutes. That's still on the bad side of 'pretty fucked up.' For $96.00, you should shut all that crap up and just show me the movie...and give me all the damn popcorn and sodas I can hold.
Now, at this point, I would like to respond in a reasonable and articulate fashion to our treatment at the hands of the celluloid mafia.
Unfortunately, I am unable to do so...so, fuck Carmike Cinemas, Hollywood, and Marvel Comics in their collective asses. With a jackhammer. That has been mounted onto the front of an inbound cruise missile. That is nuclear-capable. And I'd like to see a little sandpaper wrapped around the end of that jackhammer, too, now that I think about it. And is there any way to work a chainsaw in there? Like right on the end?
Wait, I'm getting off the point here, let's get back to the message:
We pay the outrageous ticket prices for your movies. We even put up with extortionate theater prices for beverages and snacks. Not to mention the indifferent staff and all the gum on the floor and parking hassles and everything else. Why must you fuck with us even more? Are you people thieves, incredibly greedy, or just fucking stupid?
Aha...I think I have found the reason. It's all three. Or, to put it another way:
You're a bunch of total assholes.
Now, at this point, I would like to respond in a reasonable and articulate fashion to our treatment at the hands of the celluloid mafia.
Unfortunately, I am unable to do so...so, fuck Carmike Cinemas, Hollywood, and Marvel Comics in their collective asses. With a jackhammer. That has been mounted onto the front of an inbound cruise missile. That is nuclear-capable. And I'd like to see a little sandpaper wrapped around the end of that jackhammer, too, now that I think about it. And is there any way to work a chainsaw in there? Like right on the end?
Wait, I'm getting off the point here, let's get back to the message:
We pay the outrageous ticket prices for your movies. We even put up with extortionate theater prices for beverages and snacks. Not to mention the indifferent staff and all the gum on the floor and parking hassles and everything else. Why must you fuck with us even more? Are you people thieves, incredibly greedy, or just fucking stupid?
Aha...I think I have found the reason. It's all three. Or, to put it another way:
You're a bunch of total assholes.
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