Not everything pisses me off.

     Apparently I have a temper.  And cuss.  And hit things--but..I mean...come on, why not?  If something already needs fixing, why not try giving it a whack or two to see if you can scare the device back into working order before you replace it?  Grrrr...getting off-topic--okay, I remember now: this post is to show that not everything pisses me off, as the little woman recently suggested.  To prove that, I will list a few things that do NOT piss me off.
   
      Here they are, in no particular order:
  
     1. Aikido.
     2. Jack Daniel's--black Jack, Gentleman, or Single Barrel--just not that crap with the green label.
     3. Bacon.
     4. My wolves (usually).
     5. The Darwin Awards--they tickle me pink.
     6. Dumb criminal news stories--I like those almost as much as the Darwin Awards.
     7. Guns--using them or feeling them up.
     8. Blowing things up.
     9. Sex.
     10. T-Shirt Hell.
     11. Ice cream...as long as it doesn't have any fruit or weird shit in it.
     12. Knives.
     13. Rock'n'Roll.
     14. AAA--their roadside service is dead sexy.
     15. Trade paperbacks of comic book regular titles--those are made of win.
     16. Farting--but only my own, and the more they stink the better.
     17. Other bodily functions--like the kind of dump that makes your pants feel like they fit looser after, pretty much any burp (but the bigger the better), and sneezing--but NOT hiccups, I fucking hate those.
     18. The Departed--not the movie, I just mean that most people stop pissing me off once they die.    

     I'd name some more stuff, but making lists pisses me off.

There wont be a revolution, either.

     The elections are over, but the whining has just begun.  Why this poor dead horse just cannot be left alone to rot in peace is beyond me.  As usual, one side won, the other lost, and nothing changed.  Nor will anything significantly change.  The nature of the governmental beast is that it fears and avoids change.  It can only be forced into action, and then only under the most extreme duress.  Still, I have run into many people who believe that, because a few people signed a meaningless petition, or because a black man got elected president (again), or that because the GOP lost the country is somehow in mortal peril--that we are about to have another civil war, or even something akin to the Revolutionary War, or go so broke that the China will take us over in some kind of bloodless financial coup.  Well, here's some good news: China bought some of our debts, not our real estate, so you can quit practicing with chopsticks.  I can only assume that these other fantasies are born of vaguely remembered history lessons from elementary school.  While I will admit that the Patriot Act does unpleasantly echo the Writs of Assistance (and in fact exceeds them in their scope) I see nothing else to link this period with that.  The governing body is not forcing me to house soldiers in my home (as the Quartering Act did) or pay for another country's wars (like the Stamp Act did).  The Coast Guard or Navy have never tried to impress me or or anyone I know into service (like the British used to do to the colonists and then American citizens after the revolution, up until the War of 1812).  As a matter of fact, this nation doesn't even have a draft.  I am even allowed a voice in the governing of my nation.  My voice counts, just as yours does when you vote, whether or not you believe it.
     And that idea needs to be addressed I think.  The idea that a person's vote does not count is pure foolishness.  The electoral college is the usual reason someone makes this statement.  It was put into the Constitution by the founding fathers in order to make a compromise between having a president elected by congress or popular vote.  This was done to ensure the president would work for the people, because he needed the support of the populace--otherwise he could completely ignore the citizenry and remain in office merely by currying favor with congress.  I personally think that this process should be abandoned because it allows the possibility for a candidate to win the popular vote and yet still lose the election--like we saw in 2000 with Bush and Gore.  Since we now have the technology to count all of the votes nationwide as fast as they can come in, and we can also use that same technology to inform the public of the election results with the same speed.  However, the electoral college is only involved in selecting a president, and the president does not make our laws.  The congressmen (or congresswomen) and senators do, and they win their elections by winning the popular vote.  They are the reason why we are fighting two wars, why have a gigantic deficit, why the rich don't pay their fair share of taxes, and why everything else that is screwed up is screwed up.  The president is not--cannot possibly be--at fault for the lapses and poor decisions made by our other elected officials.  In other words, he just does not have the power to be that big of a fuckup.  The kind of trouble our nation is in now cannot be engineered by an individual--it takes the concerted efforts of a large groups of incompetents to manage that feat.  And the reason those incompetents are in charge is because we--everyone who voted--put them there.  Their screw-ups would not be possible without your willing assistance.
     Lastly, if you would like to sign a petition, how about one for something realistic and beneficial, like one to make a law that limits the terms of anyone in the house or senate to two or three terms?  That would get rid of the career politicians who only serve the interest of whoever pays them the largest campaign donations.
     Damn.  I used common sense again.  Sorry.  My family and friends are trying to stop me, but I can smell an intervention a mile away--they'll never catch me.

There will not be another civil war.

     I'm sure everyone has heard about the twenty-odd states that want to secede from the union by now.  My first thought on this subject was, "Good, my country does not need you disloyal scum in the first place, just start heading North or South and you will hit one of our borders and you can be on your merry way."  Then I was approached by many friends and acquaintances about this matter.  They expressed their feelings to me in a wide variety of ways, ranging from fear of another civil war to plans for moving into the new and improved nation that would rise from the ashes of this one.  I was unable to fathom how so many people could take this notion seriously.  In my self-appointed role as Punisher of Stupid it shames me no small amount to have to confess that, for once, there is just too much stupid for me to effectively deal with.  For that reason, I feel it is necessary to do something so drastic that it perhaps borders on the dangerous: I am going to use common sense.
     1. It is not the states that want to withdraw from the union.  It is a collection of knuckleheads, racists, assorted nutjobs, whiners, and attention-seekers.
     2. It was started via an online petition, not by any figures in actual power (i.e. governors, congresspersons, or senators of those given states).
     3. Therefore this will never be put before a congressional vote.
     4. Therefore the White House will never give this any kind of serious consideration.
     5. Nor will the Supreme Court, a branch of our government that has actually already addressed this matter on several previous (post-Civil War) occasions and has decided that it is in violation of our Constitution and thus illegal.
     6. However, if it somehow did, I would be the first to re-enlist and help fight to keep my nation whole.  I would do this because--as a friend who was also in the Corps once reminded me--as former Marines, we once took an oath to uphold and defend our Constitution and nation against all enemies, both foreign and domestic...and we were never released from that oath.
     I hope that this has settled any fears my readers might have, and that you all can forgive me for having to resort to this inhuman and extreme measure,