Ladies, take heed.

     So a prank with a mannequin or two from some store in Sweden seems to have caused a ruckus online, just because they depict a more realistic body image for women.  (You can check it out at http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/03/16/what-a-swedish-mannequin-hoax-reveals-about-body-image/ to see what the fuss is all about.)  Why is it a surprise that men don't actually want a woman who looks like a twelve year old boy in sack dress?  We like curves!  Hips and tits!  Oh, and when the hell did 'plus sized' come to mean a woman with a normal figure?  And what jackass made it out to be a negative thing?  Because I did not authorize that.

     Personally, I think I'm hella lucky.  I am currently living in sin with a white girl that has a black girl's booty.  It doesn't get any better than that.  Also, I have a theory about this whole thing: any guy who looks at an anorexic hermaphrodite on the cover of Cosmo or Elle or whatever rag is currently telling you to upchuck your lunch for the sake of a size 0 dress is probably a bone stabber anyway, so forget 'em.  But it isn't the pedophiles writing that crap--and it isn't men, either.  It's you women who are doing this to yourselves.  And because of that, I have been charged by all of the males of our species to make a public service announcement about this practice.  Here it is:
   
     STOP IT ALREADY DAMNIT!

     If you need that in a different format, I can do it with math:

     Kirstie Alley > Calista Flockhart

     Y'all got the picture?  Please eat a steak, some potatoes, and whatever dessert you want.  Hell, have two-with ice cream.  I wont tell.  And you can still work out if you want, and get into whatever physical shape you feel is the best for your health.  No one will try to stop you.  Just stop trying to look like prepubescent boys, it's freaking creepy and all the folks with Y chromosomes are more than a little concerned for your health.  Except for the douche bags, but they don't count anyway because they are probably pedophiles (as explained above).  Lastly, if you happen to be one of those unfortunate women who are undersized naturally, I have some good news.  I have asked around and some women who have been especially blessed in the curve department are willing to share a little of their genetic good fortune in order to allow for a groundbreaking new surgery I have developed--a reverse of the liposuction procedure, if you will.  Ladies, I give you lipoinduction!  Now let's make size 12 or 14 the new zero, okay?

     There goes my phone.  I bet it's the Nobel Institute, finally getting around to recognizing my genius.

     Laters.