I have a few rules I live by.

     We will call these "Mike's Laws," and I will dole them out as I remember them or see fit.  Here's a couple so y'all can see what you're in for.

     1. Never volunteer for ANYTHING.  It's surprising how often this one gets broken.  Anyone with who has done some military service can tell y'all the 'why' of this rule.

     2. Don't put your dick in a crazy bitch.  This law has a corollary for women regarding crazy men: don't let a crazy bastard put his dick in you.  It's the same for both sexes: it look's like a fun ride, but so does riding that couch with no legs that's been tied to the back of your drunk cousin's pickup truck.  The only difference is that 'crazy' is a slightly longer ride, and will end even more painfully.

     3. Never wipe your ass with a razor-leafed plant.  Or one that is poisonous, pointy, or anything else that is otherwise harmful to humans and their asses.  This happens more than you might think, particularly at night, in places where things like pampas grass grows.  Or poison ivy.  So, if you know you're going to have to poop in the woods, try t learn just a little about the local flora.  (This one dates back to well before my time in the Marines and is one of the few I was able to learn by someone else's 'experience'.)

     4. Be wary of dating women who are good with horses.  They know how to get animals much larger (and usually stupider) than they are to do whatever they want.

     I reckon that's enough for now.